That’s Right, America! It’s Time Again For Our Favorite New Game Show… “Who Wants To Be A Registered Sex Offender?”

Foot Long For Jared In Jail

Just Say It Loud And Proud: “Men Facing Prison For Having Consensual Sex With High School Girls Deserved To Get Totally BUTT FUCKED!”

Foot Long For Jared In Jail

(source: Google Images “Foot Long Dick For Jared In Jail”)

You know you love to joke like this at kid’s birthday parties and Labor Day barbeques. “Crucify the butt fucker! He should get butt slammed with his new butt buddies – locked in jail forever with the key thrown away! With a big dick in his mouth like in his sick fuck TV commercials!” And then your Ashley Madison-loving government co-worker blurts out, “Yeah – while he takes another one in his bloody asshole –  the sick Subway bastard!!!” Yes, YOU fuckin’ LOVE this humiliation SHIT, don’t you? It’s got the venomous rush of an ISIS Execution Video! Oh, too close too home? Fuck it. Let’s all behead Jared. “High fives all around! See you at church tomorrow.”

But The NEWS STORY Of The COP Waving His DICK In Traffic – HE Doesn’t Deserve To Get BUTT FUCKED In Prison, right?

Fingers on the buzzers. Here’s your first question:

1) What two-word combo best describes why Jared Fogle was arrested?

Ok, great job. Second question:

2) How many years in prison is he facing?

Excellent. One more:

3) If he gets registered as a sex offender, how does that benefit society?

Jared Fogle milk mustache

(source: Google Images “Jared Fogle Milk Jizz Mustache”)

And Now For The Answers! 1) “child porn” 2) “5 to 12.5” 3) other than self-righteous public shaming, not much.

Hey, I Think It’s YOUR Turn To Fist Fuck Jared!

Here’s the good news. If Jared Fogle was in fact (and apparently he was) watching and collecting videos of pre-pubescent children (younger then 11 or 12), then YES, he should be registered as a sex offender, serve jail time and attend a minimum of three years in sex offender men’s group therapy. But if he was not RAPING and BUTT FUCKING them, then he should not serve 12 years in prison. Sorry to spoil your fun, but that’s what the term “Violent Child Molester” was created for. Maybe not Jared Fogle. But For The Record, if he was trying to talk Rochelle Herman into allowing him to record kids naked, YES, that’s fucking twisted, he needs help, and he needs to pay for that.

BUT, if he was having consensual sex with 16- and 17- year-olds, then he should take a number, be allowed to continue to have a life outside of your twisted hypocritical humiliation at-work hater double life and try to repair his uphill existence all over again. Didn’t you learn anything in church?

Here’s the point. This country has a prison population problem and a sex offender registration problem. And although it’s really super fun to imagine what Bubba will do to scared little weaklings at midnight in his cell, the violent and costly intersection of these two problems doesn’t actually solve the problem. Which is what? People sexualizing young children? Don’t tell the child pageant industry. They hate it when you do that.

Is This The “Child” You Were “Thinking” About?

Kylie Jenner Turns 18

(source: Google Images “Kylie Jenner Birthday Suit”)

So The Day Kylie Jenner Turns 18, Does She Like Instantly Abracadabra ‘Poof’ From A Tiny Child Into A Sexual Woman? In Your Mind, How Exactly Does This “Age Magic” Happen?

I find it totally goofy that over and over professional news sources and educated journalists are saying “17 year-old” and “child” in the same sentence. And yet, the day Kylie Jenner turns 18, she’s getting “GETTING FLOODED WITH 7-FIGURE OFFERS TO DO PORN” from high dollar porn companies to make masturbation and sex videos.

Face the facts. If there wasn’t such a massive audience for teenage pornography, then there wouldn’t be such big offers, right? (I’m sure as a capitalist, you can understand supply and demand economics.) And so if our society is so dang positive that she’s a tiny little child when she’s 17, then how is her first day of 18 on a hard to define calendar system suppose to somehow flip the switch of lustful womanhood for millions of horny men? Am I the only person on this planet that cannot process this bizarre rationalization?

zach anderson

(source: Google Images “Zach Anderson Could Be Your Son”)

So Now That You’re Done Butt Fucking Jared and Kylie, Are You Ready To Gang Bang Zach Anderson, Too?

In a nutshell: a mom calls the cops because she can’t find her daughter. Then that mom learns that her little girl was out fooling around with an older guy. Meanwhile, the police investigate. But then that 14 year-old girl admits to the police that she fucking lied to the 19 year-old boy she met online – leading him to believe she was 17. Oh, but that’s after they already had consensual sex. And in all honesty if he had fucking known she was only 14, he would have never gone out to meet that jail bait. But the police threw him into the slammer because nobody gives a shit what he had to say. His name is Zach Anderson.

So the judge comes off like a crotchety old dick wad (like so many ass wipes that post about butt fucking prisoners while their own daughters dream of joining ISIS) and Zach is given a ridiculous penalty of having to register as a sex offender for the next 25 years. Now, his picture on the internet is great for random public shaming and listing his personal information is catnip for righteous douchebag bullying, but the really fucked up part is his new list of draconian restrictions. Holy shit, batman. Check out this list of bullshit:

“The terms of his 5 YEARS of probation PROHIBIT him from living in a home with access TO THE INTERNET or a SMART PHONE and that will require him to CHANGE HIS COLLEGE MAJOR.

He is also PROHIBITED from SPEAKING to ANYONE under 17 years old – with the exception of his brothers.

He CANNOT LIVE AT HOME because it’s too close to a PUBLIC BOAT RAMP!!!

He CANNOT go anywhere that serves ALCOHOL.

His evening CURFEW is 8pm EVERY NIGHT.”

So… Congratulations, America! You’ve just chosen our next winner on Everyone’s Favorite New Game Show:

“Who Wants To Be A Registered Sex Offender?”

Stay Scared, Sleep Tight, And Post Your Hate Online Tonight.

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