Warren Sapp Hires Prostitute Argues Bill Arrested And Accused Of Assault

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Next Men’s Viral Ad “Dear Esteemed ‘Escort’ Customers: Are You Tired Of Getting ‘Warren-Sapped?'”

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(source: Google Images “warren sapp”)

AND Fired By The NFL Network! Lesson Here: Next Time, Tip The Prostitute +20% And Don’t Call Her A Prostitute Until She Leaves The Premises!

Why is it front page news when a man with cash looking for immediate sex engages in a business transaction with a women intent on selling her body for money? Yes, yes – in over 99% of the United States in 2015, prostitution is still illegal – and that’s why instead we all call it an “escort service.” But you and I and the fence post and law enforcement know that an “escort service” is simply “code-word” for “prostitution.”

Even members of The United States Secret Service know this, remember: DailyCaller.com “Woman paid for sex in Secret Service scandal insists she’s an escort, not a prostitute.” We all loved that story, and we all know that those federal government Secret Service employees were breaking the very same laws they are sworn to uphold because THEY WERE BANGING PROSTITUTES that simply put the word “ESCORT” on their business cards.

Or if you search Wikipedia.org for “Eliot Spitzer Prostitution Scandal,” the first line reads “New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had patronized an elite escort service run by Emperors Club VIP.” And we all know that “Client #9” was having “consensual sex in exchange for money” with “Kristen” who was a “call girl” right?

suzy favor hamilton kelly escort

(source: Google Images “suzy favor hamilton”)

But if you’re looking for a really great “escort” story, look no further than… TheSmokingGun.com “U.S. Olympian’s Secret Life As Las Vegas Escort – Suzy Favor Hamilton worked as high-priced call girl”

Yes, after being a 3-time Olympian and a mother and having a family (and being an “ideal American mom,”) Suzy Favor Hamilton became an expensive “escort” (and prostitute) in Las Vegas and she got caught because she was telling some of her clients about her life – her husband knew about the “work” and he even tried to get her to stop. Her life as a realtor had become monotonous and she found this “double-life” “exciting.”

“I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I’m not the victim and I’m not going that route,” Favor Hamilton said. “I’m owning up to what I did. I would not blame anybody except myself.” She added, “Everybody in this world makes mistakes. I made a huge mistake. Huge.”

And there you go. Was she thrown in jail? Were her “clients” railroaded through the system? No and no; but she lost her sponsorship – not her life. And that’s fine. Corporations are people, too. So what’s the point?…

The point is: IF Escorts are Legal Prostitutes, Then Warren Sapp Is Not a Criminal. Neither is Eliot Spitzer. Neither is Suzy Favor Hamilton. And Neither is Jerry Jones. Wait, what, Jerry Jones?!

OH! But Warren Sapp “assaulted” the prostitute – that SonOfaBitch! He punched her, smacked her around, beat her up, right?

DEFINITION OF ASSAULT: 

In common law, assault is the act of creating apprehension of an imminent harmful or offensive contact with a person. An assault is carried out by a threat of bodily harm coupled with an apparent, present ability to cause the harm.

jerry jones stripper assault

(source: Google Images “stripper assaults jerry jones”)

By that definition, Jerry Jones and this “stripper” are assaulting each other.

(In fact, Jana Weckerly pictured on the left went on to sue Jerry Jones for “sexual harrassment” and her case was dismissed. Justice Finally Served!)

OR maybe he did “assault” her by pushing a shoulder, moving an arm, closing the door on her foot – can’t you just hear them – somewhere down a dim lit hallway…

“I want five hundred more dollars or I’m telling everybody that I just sucked Warren Sapp’s dick!”

“Bitch, get out!”

“Fuck you! Don’t touch me! I want my money!”

“I said, ‘Get The Fuck Out!'”

Then he throws her shoe and it hits her in the arm. And nobody has any idea who she is. But she calls the cops, who already know her by her first name, and his face gets slapped on every newspaper and website around the planet. She feels vindicated. And she’s sucking off somebody else for too much money right now. The End.

Listen, just because Ray Rice went all “Ray Rice” on is HIS wife, that doesn’t mean every time a professional athlete pays for a prostitute or fucks some guys wife and then an argument ensues doesn’t mean he’s going to drop her to the elevator floor like a sack of potatoes. But we know “Corporation” – you’ve got your ratings to think about – so he’s fuckin’ fired!

And maybe nobody should be touching anybody. Maybe “escorts” should stop pretending they’re just providing “emotional companionship” at $400/hour. Just go online: sugardaddie.com, seekingarrangement.com, sugardaddymeet.com, sugardaddyforme.com, sugardaddyrelationship.com, whatsyourprice.com, or meetrichsugardaddys.com! There are plenty of businesses set up where you, rich guys, can meet and hook up with girls dying to sell their bodies. And hey, Kendra Sunderland seems totally available.

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(source: Google Images “heather clem”)

I know, but what do you do if you’re married? Maybe prostitution exists because marriage exists? Maybe because married men across the country have wives withholding sex because they didn’t take out the garbage this morning, because they didn’t take her on that cruise, because they got caught surfing porn, AGAIN! – maybe most married guys feel doomed anyways, they really want sex, so fuck it?! They try to get laid through Craigslist (like it’s still the ’70s) because they don’t know what they’re doing and BOOM! Now you’re getting “Warren-Sapped!” Kicked around, ridiculed, stripped of honor and self worth. Why? Because HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.

So do this – make friends with a couple that are open swingers – like Bubba The Love Sponge and his wife Heather Clem. She made a sex tape with Hulk Hogan and allegedly started fucking all kinds of other dudes. And according to this story, her friend was right in there with her. Go Girl Power! This is the Age of the Cougar MILF! Women can do anything men can do. Even totally fuck around. (Aw shit, Heather and Bubba got divorced, too?)

BUT NOW – the big question is: What’s Gonna Happen Next To Warren Sapp?

warren sapp heather clem

(source: Google Images “warren sapp heather clem”)

We learned that Bubba The Love Sponge’s Swinger Wife Heather Clem was caught in a sex tape with Hulk Hogan, and allegedly another time – with several other men, including Warren Sapp. And if that is true, then people like Deion Sanders might not want to discuss where shit is headed next. Including the allegations that Warren Sapp owes “over somewhere around $3 million to his ex-wife”. And now, as is customary, Warren Sapp’s enemies are enjoying his downward spiral. And, read this tweet from Eric Weddle.

Maybe eventually somebody will create a professional athlete chart that looks like this one?

operation when will you learn

(source: Google Images “operation when will you learn”)

And that’s where Karma comes in (which is kind of what Eric Weddle was trying to say to Warren Sapp). Life’s a bitch (and sometimes it’s an “escort”) and you got watch how hard and at who you throw your rocks. And it turns out, there were hundreds of arrests taking place right around the same time Warren Sapp got nabbed. And it seems like a large part of law enforcement is sponsored by how much people want sex. Hey, even police officers want sex – while still in uniform – and on the hood of a car. So… how do you tell the good guys from the bad guys – and girls? Do we really need a chart?!

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(source: Google Images “cop having sex on hood of the car”)

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