Fifty Shades Dorm Yoga Sex Scandal Masturbating Library Girl Lies 8th Grade Sex Offender Movie Review

Fifty Shades Of Dorm Room Days

With Fifty Shades Of Yoga,

What Once Was Teachers Getting Laid

Is Now The Sex Rap Polka.

Surely by now you must have all heard about the “Bikram Yoga Sex Scandal.” It’s not only the latest craze – but the pounds literally just come right off! (And if you are living under a rock – CLICK HERE TO READ: MSNBC.com “Lawsuits Accuse Yoga Guru Bikram Choudhury Sexual Assault.“)

And again, as stated here, in the “Bikram Yoga Sex Scandal” story on TheDailyBeast.com, I don’t know…What’s the story, again? Oh, yeah…

People of all ages that are totally obsessed with constantly working out crave super-crazy, boundary-breaking sex more than you do. Go to your local gym 7 days a week for 30 days to find out more.

And while the sex scandal of the yoga dude is kind of funny, the story of the “College Student Accused Of Rape Claims He Was Reenacting ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’” found at WashingtonPost.com (and hordes of “mainstream media news sites”) is absolutely tragic.

It’s a “news story” about a “college student” that was “experimenting” with “consensual” sexual foreplay in a manner quite similar and apparently inspired by the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie.

Yes, I have read the story on several “news” sites. No, nobody in their right mind condones non-consensual “violent sex” or “assault.” But have you forgotten that “Fifty Shades of Grey” has sold OVER 100 MILLION BOOK COPIES!? And that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is so popular and successful that Victoria’s Secret launched “50 Shades of Grey” lingerie? Why wouldn’t college kids try it too?

The “real story” is that we may never know “THE TRUTH” about WHAT happened in that dorm room, WHEN it happened, WHY it happened and HOW it really happened…

Ask yourself: WHY would a girl “who had already been intimate” with a fellow student who was “involved with several UIC leadership programs, was a student ambassador to the alumni association and was on the triathlon team” agree to be stripped naked and tied up with belts? And/or why would he then suddenly turn into a rapist with a girl he liked yet barely knew IN HIS OWN DORM ROOM? The answer: they were both experimenting with sex, it was exciting, and they got caught. Or had you not also heard that people are bound to say anything when they get caught engaging in “inappropriate” sex acts?

Girl Obviously Masturbating In Library Pleads “Not Guilty” To Obviously Masturbating In Library

C’mon. Everybody in Hollywood knows this poor child simply suffered another tragic “Wardrobe Malfunction.” And a “Web Cam Malfunction.” And a “I Know It ‘Looks Like I’m Masturbating Because I Am Masturbating’ Malfunction.” But of course she’s “not guilty,” silly. She’s got several more court dates and a lot of self promotion to do. She’ll be fine. Only totally gross and creepy sex offender guys masturbating in libraries get slapped with instant felonies and prison sentences. Besides…she’s not “masturbating,” you perv. She’s showing “school spirit,” you dirty old bastard! How could you?! And absolutely no college girls actually want to re-enact “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Ewww, that’s gross! And as an added bonus, now Sunderland qualifies for one of those “But Tiger Woods Said He Loved Me!” attorneys and has every right to sue the library for invasion of privacy, you sicko!

Girl Lies To Her Mom About Sex Assault

So what? People lie and change their mind. This is 2015. It can’t be true that many people regret their loss of reputation in the eyes of loved ones. That’s not the kind of peer pressure we were talking about, right? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU’RE DESTROYING A MAN’S LIFE SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT YOUR MOM TO THINK YOU’RE A LESBIAN. Yep, Read It And Weep.

Demand “Minority Report!” Stop Future Sex Offenders!

Thank goodness Foxnews.com reported the story: “Kentucky Court Weighs Case Of 8th-Grader Prosecuted After Having Sex With 7th-Grade Girlfriend.” Society might have missed another juicy opportunity to sentence another future violent Sex Offender to receive the Prison Justice he so sweetly deserves from this Incredibly Dangerous Yet Morally Upstanding Actual Sex Offender.

And here’s another story headline: “Los Altos Teacher Accused Of Having Affair With 15-Year-Old Student” – yes, he too will get the fierce beat down from “Bubba.” Sure, that horny high schooler had a consensual affair, but that fucking male teacher is going to pay – even if she did so sadly suffer a “Wild Desire To Blow Her Teacher Malfunction.” These terrorist men must learn their lesson.

My “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Movie Review

I remember “9 1/2 Weeks” and “Basic Instinct,” and my parents probably remember “Bolero,” “The Blue Lagoon” and “Barbarella.” And before that there were cave drawings of penises and vaginas. No, seriously, there were. And in the future there might be: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Bisexuals Take Manhattan!” And I won’t wanna pay to go see that one either.

Regardless, I thought “Fifty Shades Of Grey” was actually a pretty good movie. It was quite different from what I had assumed. My expectation was that it would pretty much suck.

And sitting in the theater I was reminded that it’s assumptions and expectations that keep making people look really stupid. Like the mom that wrote this well thought out letter to her children about how scary the movie is. Please, Read Her Letter.

Like many of the assumptions and expectations in most “news” stories, after I actually saw “Fifty Shades of Grey,” I was reminded again that hype and pretense really do govern what we think. And you mix that with what other people say and what’s morally appropriate at dinner tables and water coolers, and you really end up with an unrealistic version of gossip that nobody actually finds interesting…which probably explains why most people just end up asking, “So what do you do?”

Thus, my brief review is not a bullet list. Because I hate watching movie previews and I don’t get off on summarizing scripts. But I can tell you that it’s my opinion that if you have a problem watching “Fifty Shades of Grey” with your sex partner, then I believe you may have current issues with your own sexuality that you have not addressed. I hate to break it to you, but either you’re not getting the sex you want, or your partner isn’t.

And you don’t have to like this movie – I’m not into bondage, either. But if you can’t understand the dynamics and conflict of intimacy vs. sex as portrayed in this film, then you have forgotten about the science of attraction. You’re dead. You’re too old. And it might be time to start doing some “hot yoga.” Because if you don’t try to locate your pulse soon, you might end up masturbating in a library, which is clearly fine if you’re a girl. But if you’re a dude, your new nickname could be “Bubba Gump Shrimp.”

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